Just Jesus

On By Amber GinterLeave a comment
Just Jesus
 

(Photo Credits Belong To Photographers Amber Ginter and Ben Johnson, 2018). 

  During the month of May, I was given the opportunity to travel to Canada with two friends to volunteer at Young Life Malibu during their Discipleship Weekend Camp.  Jumping on a limb and going way beyond my comfort zone to serve High School students, I never imagined how God would begin to transform both my heart and mind during this trip.  Abandoning cell service, wi-fi, and all forms of communication for the time while at this camp, you wouldn’t believe the freedom that comes from just getting away from everything.
  Over the past year, my family has experienced what I would call the “The Book of Job Season of Life” (to read my blog on that article click here: It’s Just a Season: http://wordscanshattersilence.blogspot.com/2018/06/).  From a rat infestation to being victims of theft, our dog attacking and killing another dog, and my Father being hospitalized six times, you could say that I needed to get away from everything and everyone to bask in God’s presence.  Hence, when God kept telling me “mountains” and the opportunity for this camp came along, I just knew that I had to go.
  But letting go of everything you see, even for just eight days was not going to be easy for me.  In fact, I even had a fit the day before I was to board my flight that could be described as nothing more than a mixture of anxiety, depression, and fear all bottled up into one.  Needless to say, I still went on the trip, and though the Devil tried to stop me, he did not prevail.
  Stepping foot into the British Columbia Island surrounded by skyscraping mountains and luscious green trees immediately began to calm my weak and weary soul.  It was a feeling that I could not describe, for my breath was taken as the sight became restored.  Standing in the center of one of God’s masterpieces, His beauty began to overtake me as my chains began to fall.  All those family problems back at home?  Dropped.  All those worries that my Dad was just in the hospital two days ago?  Not for me to worry about now.  All those nerves bottled up about life, my calling, and these mountains?  “My Daughter, you have arrived at the end of yourself, and this is just the beginning,” Jesus whispered to me.
  Starting to suffocate in these realizations, I fell asleep that first night thinking about the freedom that comes from outside our comfort zones.  No plan.  No anything.  No workouts.  Not even writing a single page in my journal during the trip, I was in awe of how crazy God could be to take an irrational obsessed routine person and completely isolate her away from it all just to give her the renewal of strength she’d been looking for all along.
  Getting out of my pattern of reading Scripture for this long a day, and praying for X, Y, and Z, even my spiritual life, and normalcy of everyday decisions were filled with ease.  And if I’m being honest, these were some of the best days of joy I have ever had. Genuinely experiencing so much happiness and laughter, I am now left thinking about how much I long for these moments to infect and seep into my ordinary life.  Because when it all boils down to it folks, it’s all about Just Jesus.
  Our walk with Christ and following Him is less about the hours we spend reading our Bibles and praying, and more about Just Jesus.  The measurement of our growth with Him is less about the number of Youth Services we attend, Youth Groups we lead, and Bible Studies we host and more about Just Jesus.  The success of our walk as a Christian at the end of all our days is not valued in the dollars we donated to the Church, the perfection of the songs we lead in worship, or even the number of souls we saved, but honored in the grace and loving forgiveness of a God who chooses to see us through His Father’s perfect eyes because simply all that is needed is Just Jesus.

  And if I’m being honest, too many of us, myself included, have fallen into this trap of doing things for God rather than simply being with Him.  Now, don’t get me wrong, studying your Bible, praying, volunteering, leading a praise lead, and hosting Bible Studies are all great things that I will undoubtedly continue to do for God, however, I have learned that like the mountains I experienced on this trip, you choosing to bask in the beauty of His Creation is worship enough for your life because your life alone is worship.  Let me state that again.  Merely choosing to live your life for God is worship, counting all the “good enough” Christian things you do is not.  Yes, doing those things are wonderful and will contribute to your spiritual growth, but if you are anything like me, sometimes it takes getting away from it all and simply staring at the beauty of His mountains to realize that we really don’t need all those other things.  Not even the service and things I learned at this Youth Camp. We simply need Jesus, because Just Jesus is enough.

It’s Just a Season

On By Amber GinterLeave a comment
It’s Just a Season
 

(Photo Credits Belong To Photographer: Ben Johnson, 2018). 

  Over the course of the past year, my family has been involved in what I like to call “The Book of Job Season of Life” (pronounced “Jobe” as in a person and not “Job” like a career path ;)).  From hosting a couple in our house that then, in turn, stole from us to our dog Chance having surgery, our dog Buddy attacking and killing another dog, a baby being born addicted to drugs, my Father being hospitalized six times, my half-brothers getting arrested and being brought back to life through Narcan, getting hit by a car during a snowstorm, having our house literally fall apart from the inside out, and more, it is no surprise that we started to feel a little a bit defeated by the devil himself.  Through much anxiety, depression, and chaos, it began to get harder and harder to see the light outside of the tunnel.  And although those around us were supportive and loving along the way, nothing seemed to help, for with another day came more problems and if I’m honest, the struggles still haven’t stopped, but you know what has?  My mental state of thinking, “Why me?”, “Why us?”, “When will it ever stop?”.  I stopped wanting people to relate and feel bad for me and instead, I started praying because I didn’t want sympathy, I needed strength.  
  Of course, I wish I could say that my life has drastically gotten better, and all of our Job-like moments have ceased, but if that were the case, then I suppose we wouldn’t be living in this fallen state of humanity.  In the same manner, I wish I could say that I have learned to appreciate and sincerly thank God for all of these difficulties that we are going through, but again, this is still a process.  However, what I can say is that this time of testing in our lives merely is just a season, and as the colors of winter fade into spring, summer, and fall, I know that restoration, growth, rebirth, and development are surely on the way.
  In the book of Ecclesiastes, Solomon writes in chapter 3, verses 1-8 that “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under Heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to will and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, NIV).  Just like a tree, or the four seasons of our planet, we all go through seasons, and these make up our lives.  From jobs to friends, troubles, achievements, ups, and downs, these circumstances surrounding us change daily.  Take a look at Job, for instance. 
  Job, a man who had everything he would ever need in life, and more committed no sins, yet he lost everything physically, mentally, socially, and emotionally that he ever had.  Going from riches to rags, even when he was left with nothing but God, His faith alone helped him to realize that God alone was enough.  At the end of his story, it is his faithfulness and honor to Christthat restores his rags back to riches, and God blesses him with more than he could ever ask or imagine in the first place, something that never would have happened without his struggles.  But if Job reveals anything to us in his story, it is that this transformation and season of life was not easy for him, and in fact, he questioned the things happening and asked his friends for advice much as we do.  Yes, in Job 1:21-22, Job praises God after everything is taken away from him (“and said, “When I was born into this world, I was naked and had nothing.  When I die and leave this world, I will be naked and have nothing.  The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away.  Praise the name of the Lord!”  Even after all this, Job did not sin. He did not accuse God of doing anything wrong” (Job 1:21-22, ERV)), however, a few chapters later, he also cried out in anguish cursing the day he was born (chapter 3), and questioning God, “Do you enjoy hurting me?” (chapter 10 verse 3, ERV).  In this sense, I am filled with sorrow for Job, but also gratitude because these emotions reveal his humanness to each of us.
  Though we may not ever understand the purpose behind our pain, we can rest assured that Jesus Christ, who is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and ever faithful in His promises to each of us (Hebrews 13:8, ERV), has given us time, life, and purpose in the things we are going through.  That even when life hurts, and gets hard or is happy-go-lucky, there is a time and a season designed with a specific plan just for you.  However, I also think it is important to note here that God does not delight in our suffering.  In fact, I firmly believe that when we shed our tears, He cries right along with us.  When we hurt, He hurts.  When we are asking why, and going through the earthly versions of Hell, He is holding our hand and lifting us above the fires because He already paid that eternal price.  Even still, I believe that He allows us to go through these times so that we can grow through them and learn to become ever more dependent on Him who gives us strength.
  Because if I am completely honest with you, when life is fantastic, and rainbows are headed our way, it can be easy to forget about God and thank Him for where you are.  But when we have reached the end of our rope, the end of ourselves, and are given no other choice but to rely on His strength for every physical, mental, social, and emotional need we have because it has all been taken away from us, that is when we authentically begin to gain intimacy with Him.
  To this day, I cannot tell you why these things are happening to my family and me, but I do not believe it is because we deserve it or are being punished for some crazy sin.  After all, Jesus already paid the price for all of that when He died on the cross over 2000 years ago.  To this day, I cannot tell you what it feels like to witness your family being ripped apart by drugs, abuse, and alcoholism at the schemes of Satan’s hands.  I cannot tell you why my Father has had to suffer in excruciating pain for the past seven years without an ounce of it getting better, or why the medication that Doctors have put him on has turned him into a man that I would never recognize through moods, anger fits, depression, and out of it mentalities.  I cannot tell you why I see their marriage struggling or the pain I feel when I look at my Mom work countless nights to barely make enough money that will never be enough to fix the hundreds of broken things within in our home, let alone within our hearts.  But I can tell you this:
  That to this day, I serve a good God who is faithful and knows what we need before we ever speak a word.  That as I sob on my floor praying for Him to bring healing, something within me feels beautifully broken in the arms of His Spirit.  I can tell you that though my family is being torn apart, it is our faith in Christ that is fighting off Satan and His schemes because with the Armor of Christ on our side, all things are possible through His strength (Philippians 4:13).  I can tell you that there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t pray for my Dad, Mom, half-brothers and those struggling to be restored.  That to this day, I still believe we serve a God of miracles, and as much as it pains me to walk through these hills and valleys, I know that I will come out with Jesus on the other side.

  I can tell you that it is all just a season, and like all seasons, these times must eventually cease to pass.  But until those moments come, until these seasons transform from death to life, mourning to dancing, hate to love, and war to peace, I will faithfully praise my loyal God because unlike the seasons, He is steadfast, never changing, ever—present in His grace.  Regardless of my circumstances, He remains the same.  Unwavering in love, caring in character, providing in nature and exact in times of need, even if it is just a season.  

When Hunger Pains Strike

On By Amber GinterLeave a comment
When Hunger Pains Strike

I don’t know about you, but I probably get “hangry” a bit more often than I should, especially if it includes lack of cereal and granola in the diet.  But all jokes regarding physical food aside, what about when we are hungry for something that food and water can’t satisfy?  Like the Sahara Desert running deep inside of our veins, what happens when we are starving for things that only God can provide?
In the Scriptures of Psalm 107:9, the Psalmist remarks, “For He satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul He fills with good things” (Psalm 107:9, ERV).  Like eagles, we are hungry and dependent on God to fill us up in an overflowing manner.  Just as a mother bird provides for her young, so too does God dig up our nourishment and feed it into our bodies that are often frail and weak from lack of His power within us.  Therefore, perhaps it is good to be dry and empty, hungry, no starving, so that He can fill us back up with more of Him and satisfy our deepest longings.
Think about it, if your stomach clock never went off, you would never know you were hungry, and thus, you wouldn’t put vitamins, minerals, and nutrients back into your body from lack of realizing what you needed.  If we didn’t experience these hunger pains, as minimal or monumental as they might be, we would never realize our need and dependence on food and water to sustain our bodies.  In the same way, sometimes God allows us to reach a point of dryness in order to recognize our need and ultimate longing for Him.  Without experiencing this thirst, this saltwater in our lungs that seems to tickle our vocal cords until we rinse it out would never recognize a need for cleansing.
Through the Scripture listed above, we accordingly learn two things: 1) God satisfies the longing soul, and 2) the hungry soul He fills with good things.  This tells us that when we are hungry, when we are at our wit’s end and have nothing left of ourselves to give, that is when God comes in to provide us with good things!  He never has us experience hunger unless He is going to use that hunger to bring us closer to Him and satisfy that need.  With this, I ask you, what are you hungry for today?  What are you searching for in life?  What are you really starving for?  What desires are you craving that overtake your heart, soul, and mind?
When you think about a longing soul, how do you achieve your satisfaction?  Do you hope to find it in a new job, relationship status, career, adventure?  Does your soul crave to make money and buy things, or help the poor find Jesus?  Whatever it may be, God reminds us that unless we have chosen to place Him first in our lives and seek His Will above all else, the dull and aching hunger pains inside of us will still remain.  Like young lions hunting for prey, we will “suffer want and hunger” but find no rest (Psalm 34:10a, ERV).  Yet, for those who have marked the King as their most prized possession and are living for what He wants regardless of the cost, “those who seek the Lord [will] lack no good thing” (Psalm 34:10b, ERV).  Though the lions “may roar and growl” in hunger (Job 4:10-11), God will always provide for His children as our “sun and shield” (Psalm 84:11, ERV).  Unto Him, praise the Lord who “executes justice for the oppressed, who gives food to the hungry” (Psalm 146:7, ERV).
God will always quench our thirst.  Even in our driest seasons and most excruciating hunger, if we come to Him and ask, “Lord, here I am, please satisfy these desires and longings in me,” He will surely provide the most delicious five-course meal that you’ve ever tasted.  One that satisfies desires so much deeper than physical hunger but penetrates the spiritual soul.
The next time you get hungry for something, rather a meal, your next adventure, or something you know your heart doesn’t really need, think about what you are longing for and why.  At the root of your hunger, diagnose the conditions for which you desire and allow those pangs of craving to draw you closer to the one who perhaps made you hungry in the first place.  Remember, “and the hungry soul He fills with good things” (Psalm 107:9, ERV).
Similarly, Mary in her hunger for a child chose to praise God for the blessing within her that would soon save the world (Jesus).  She said in Luke 1:53, “he has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich he has sent away empty” (Luke 1:53, ERV).  God, like Mary I hunger for the promises you provide and the desires you have placed in my heart to seek you fully.  To serve you authentically with a brave heart that doesn’t question amidst the pain, but simply chooses to listen, submit, and obey.  You whisper to me in Luke 6:21 that, “Blessed are you who are hungry now, for you shall be satisfied” (Luke 6:21, ERV).

Hunger for God as you wait, question, endure, and hope amidst whatever strikes.  I promise you that He will satisfy like nothing ever has before.

Guarded Heart

On By Amber GinterLeave a comment
Guarded Heart

I think for a long time, my conception of love has been skewed.  It has been distorted by the lack of “love” from those around me and twisted into what I thought it was supposed to be or feel like.  What started out as a wound, then lead me to create a vow that I promised I would never let happen again.  “I am not going to like anyone again until ___.” “I am going to guard my heart because I don’t want to get hurt.”  “They couldn’t possibly like me; therefore, I am not going to share my feelings.” And sadly, I started to not only protect myself from other people and their love but God and His.  I began to think, “Surely I can guard my heart that this won’t happen,” “Surely I will avoid love at all costs because the risk isn’t worth it even though they tell me it is,” but in reality, I was only guarding my heart against God, and didn’t He take the ultimate risk of love when He died on the cross for me?
Because you see, when you have a veil in your life like a wound, it easily creates a vow that then lacks trusting God because you are focused on trying to protect yourself.  Yet, instead of doing yourself any good, you end up creating a lot of harm in retaliation for the love that God has for you.  When I believe that “no one will ever like me,” for instance, this creates the lie in my mind that if no human could ever want me, then why would a perfect God?  The same goes for how we view ourselves, and the love that we think we deserve.  If I keep on praying that God will bring me the right person at the right time but never allow Him to break my guard down, I can’t expect ever to meet him.  How can I meet him, when I don’t allow Him who created my heart to see it with full-blown insecurities, and broken-down guards?  Exactly, I can’t.
Even though I don’t want to, I am choosing to love.  Even though it scares me head-over-heels to know that I could be hurt again, I realize that being guarded and closed-off to all possibilities of love is not healthy.  Will my heart be broken again?  Probably.  Will the first relationship I get into work out?  Possibly, but there is always a risk.  But you know what, it is a risk worth taking.  And why?  Because when Christ died on the cross for you and me, He did knowing that we might never love Him back, and to this day, some people still don’t.  He didn’t have a guarded heart or put up walls that blocked people from seeing His view.  No, instead he went to those who were the most unlovable and loved them anyway.  To the prostitute, tax collector’s, Pharisees, and even scoffers, He said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing.” Hanging from a cross, He saw love not for what it felt like, looked like, or was even experienced, but what it should be.  A love that was not guarded, but one that was stripped down, broken, bloodied and disfigured.  It saw the best interest at heart, and never once thought, “What about me?” It was sacred, not scared, holy, not self-seeking, sacrificial, not conceited, forgiving, not condemning, open, not closed, vulnerable, not hidden, real, not a show, thoughtful, but not naïve.  
In Proverbs 4:23, we read, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23, ERV), but we do not read, “guard your heart against love and fail to trust God” in the process.  When the Scriptures tell us to “guard our hearts,” it merely means that we need to be careful about how we think, because what we think becomes what we do, and how we live.  If we are always thinking negatively about ourselves and the love we deserve, we are more subject to accept abuse (even from ourselves) because it is what we have trained ourselves to believe.  In fact, this even gives the Devil a foothold as we bash ourselves and don’t believe in the true love that Christ has already placed within us.  Thus, if we want to find love someday, and more importantly give it to others, we need first to recognize what true love is, and second, understand that we deserve it.
When we allow our hearts to be tainted by the love that we “think” we deserve as opposed to what it is, this creates a wonky picture of what we begin to believe about ourselves and accept from others.  Even today, I still have a difficult time with this concept, with believing that someone could want and choose to love me with all of my flaws, but I am learning to realize that the root of the problem is not finding “right love” but recognizing the fullness of His love that He has already given me.
1 John 4:18-19 states that we can only love, “because He first loved us” and that “perfect love casts out all fear.”  But if I am fearful of falling in love because of getting hurt, then that not only fails to trust God but refutes the truth that His perfect love is enough to cover all our human flaws.  Of course, human love is fallen and not perfect, but it rests on the solid foundation of Christ and His Agape love that we will never entirely be able to comprehend.
The true love of God is unlike anything we could ever imagine, but if we keep our heart’s guarded, He won’t intrude His access.  Yes, it is okay to “guard” your heart in a sense of what you believe about yourself and others regarding thoughts and deeds, but it is not okay to “guard” it so that the King of your heart can never gain entry because you are too terrified to let your hair down that will be used to reach you.  Yet, I promise you, once you do, once you let that hair down and allow Him entry, He will love your heart like it’s never been loved before.  Through prayer, intimate studies of Scripture, and growth in your personal relationship with Him, He will begin to show you how to lower your guard.  It may not be easy, in fact, it will probably scare you as much as going a week without granola scares me, but in the end, it will be worth it.
Only after you have accepted the truth of God’s love, can you then begin to understand what you deserve in any earthly relationship.  Rather it is friendship or romance, the love that we justify is the love that God desires for us to experience.  Believe it or not, God does not want you to go through heartbreak, even though you do.  He does not want you to feel what if felt like to die for people in love, only to have them hate you.  He does not want you to accept the love you think you deserve, He wants you to live like you’re already fully loved, treasured, and accepted because you are.
A beautiful quote I once read in The Perks of Being A Wallflower states, “You accept the love you think you deserve” and this couldn’t be truer, however, what is even more poignant is the fact that you are the love you think you deserve.  Love is not simply a feeling, though butterflies are nice every once and a while.  In fact, love isn’t even the emotions we spawn and create them to be like spiders crafting their intricate webs.  Pure and intimate Christian love of all kinds is a lifestyle that is selfless and giving.  It says, “even though I am single, I will love my friends who are in relationships” rather than sulk in my sadness.  It says, “rather I am empty or full, Christ and His love is enough” instead of focusing on our problems.  Love screams at the top of its lungs for us that, “you are worth it, even if it feels like you aren’t.”  For our relationship with Christ and the free love that He gives to us does not change with the shifting of our emotions, circumstances, and easily toyed with hearts, but remains constant, faithful, and passionate, always enduring the fire.  God’s love is unconditional and the furthest thing from guarded.  After all, do you really think a man hanging on a tree was one to possess a restrained heart?  Of course not, so why would I want to retain one?
Many in the past have treated being guarded as if it were a sin, and if I am being honest, I would say that it isn’t.  However, what proves to be the root of the problem here is taking this “guard of your heart” so far, that you stop seeking and trusting God in the process.  But you know what the truth is?  Love is for everyone, even those who have broken that heart.  Love is forgiving seven times seventy-seven times over and over again.  Love is reckless, pure, holy, God-honoring, and prosperous.  Love is created by God and is He Himself who never once chose to guard His heart so high that He couldn’t submit to the requests of the Father. 
No, the God I serve, and love is one who humbly lowered His guard so that I and all of my messy love could ruin the perfection of His.  So yes, I might be guarding my heart and protecting its purity, but I am no longer restraining it from what He is trying to teach me in these moments.  “Here’s my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.” 

Let your guard down and trust Him who formed your heart to take care of it.  Sometimes, the best lessons in life come from the broken walls and not the ones we as man build up to try and protect ourselves.

God Speaks in the Hills and Valleys of Unknown Adventure

On By Amber GinterLeave a comment
God Speaks in the Hills and Valleys of Unknown Adventure
 

(Just one of the many beautiful sights in Ohio that thirst my unknown adventure)

Recently, God has been talking to me a lot about control, surrender, submission, my heart, mountains, adventure, spontaneity, emotions, fear of the unknown, mustard seeds of faith, and taking up my cross.  In hindsight, all of these things have come to me within the past week, and to be honest, they’ve all been a bit scary and overwhelming; a bit equivocal and questioning as to how one puzzle piece matches the other to form an overall picture.  But you know what, I think that that uncertainty and foggy clearing is what God is trying to reveal to this spontaneously searching heart, trapped in the body and mind of a girl who loves to cling to perfectionism, order, and anything but chaos.
On Wednesday of this week, I began to feel a strong presence of God’s Spirit prompting my heart.  Attending a Theology talk at my college, the Father of one of my beloved Professor’s talked about the struggles we all go through when pain, heartache, and bad things essentially happen to good people.  Relating our experiences to how he and his now deceased wife endured a long battle with cancer, he encouraged us to rely on two things to get us through these times: 1) To ask God every morning whose cross we can help bear that day, but then remember to give it back to him as the sun fades away, and 2) Recognize that when God tells us we can move a mountain, we aren’t literally moving a mountain, more-so, we are allowing our mustard seed of faith to chip away at that struggle we are facing.
Pondering those thoughts when I got home that night, I realized a few things not only about my faith but the battles I had been facing. As an incredibly empathetic person, the conclusion came to me that I have been so exhausted from pouring into others because I did not remember to give those crosses back to God at the end of the day. Simon of Cyrene helped Jesus to carry his cross on the day of His crucifixion, but at the end of that long and hard road, he also remembered to give it back to Him, for only Him who would fully pay the price would bear the eternal weight of the cross (see Matthew 27:32).  And perhaps, we in our humanness need to take a lesson from that, realizing that we can only help those around us when we are in surplus of an overflow that comes from taking up our crosses daily (Luke 9:23, ERV: “If anyone would come after me, He must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me”).  Surrender is a daily up and down of the cross, and this is where real freedom begins.
Thinking that these truths were all God had in-store for me for the week, I was surprised when God again began to prompt my heart in pursuit of what He wasn’t done telling me.  Arriving at my 7:45 a.m. writing class, a daily writing activity asked us to write about our favorite place, and thinking back to the mustard seed of faith moving a mountain analogy shared the night before, I produced the following poem that did more than shock my mind, but it recollected my heart:
            Spacious skies and wintergreen, the firs cry out to the Heavens.
            Dancing in the wind like fragments of intangible thoughts and ideas,
my heart lurches at the sight of misty fogs and the highest heights.
            Crunching over the leaves and branches at my feet, I stop at the edge of
            on looking nature surrounding me.
            Deeply breathing in and out, I inhale serenity and exhale my fears.
            Glistening at my reflection in the waters, I thank God for this beauty.
            The beauty that lay around me and within me, but I so often fail to
            recognize and value.
            In their crisp size, sprinkled design and free spirits, this is the mountaintop,
            the hills, and valleys- the forest and woods of my spontaneously searching
            heart.
Zoning out for a few moments in class and looking at what I had just written, I realized that the truth of my heart that had been hiding came out in the rawness of my inability to contain the vulnerabilities any longer. Longing for someone to take me away on an adventure, to hike the mountains and appreciate the beauty of this world while soaking up God’s goodness, I let these thoughts quietly resonate in the interior of my mind.  Not really understanding what was happening, my mind was pulled back to reality as those around me continued to talk in anticipation of the day’s assignment.  Yet, in a daze, the next prompt was given, and my now exposed heart was lurching to be heard, writing the following in response to a free-write on a memory:
“I remember when I used to be a carefree person because for as long as I can remember, I’ve not been one.  That being said, the last time I recall freedom was before the age of 14 before I started self-hate and obtaining fear and anxiety.  Before an OCD, perfectionistic, compulsive personality began to overtake me; I was a typical and happy pre-teen/teen. My eyes glittered with ambition as my heart pulsated with adventure, and my mind spontaneously sought beauty, joy, and optimism in everything. But sadly, I transformed into something I didn’t want to be, and though I appreciate who I am now in segments, I still long to go back in partiality to that which I used to be. A little bit more mature, a lot more thoughtful, and a pinch more sincere, still full of adventure and goals/dreams as high as the sky, but realistic and free of the perfectionism and planning that now haunts me.
And don’t get me wrong, it has taken a very long time for me to grow and understand these things I’ve battled and I know that God has blessed me with an extreme gift for organization, planning events, and living life to the fullest, but I want to do so with freedom, spontaneity, and a lack of seriousness that I used to be, long to be, still want to go back to be.
Because perhaps, if I’m honest, I miss that childlike me, and though I am scared to go back, I long that young girls joy to see.  No, I don’t want to change myself, and in a sense, I do love who I am, where I’ve been and often lengthened to be-BUT- I know that God wants me to be free of anxiety, worry, fear, and the future of anything holding me back, especially the vulnerabilities of my regrets/past that haunt me.
Newsflash self, God can do this in you, but that starts in a firm trust and reliance in Him who formed me.  He created me to be free in the Spirit, so why not find that which once resided in me, and eagerly still longs to be? I remember whom I used to be and she’s making a comeback.  She’s deep inside, but not dead; she’s alive and ready to come back to be all she once was and still strives in ambitions of adventure to be.”
So, what does all of that have to do with what God has been revealing to me?  Well, I suppose that in retrospect, it all connects to the following series of events that began to unfold from that day.  Leaving my writing class to meet the Professor and talk about career crisis, I sat in his office as he let me vent about my problems. Gently listening and caring about my concerns, however, he surprised my mind when he said, “Amber, I took your email very seriously and I want to encourage you in your dreams, and what you want to do, but I also have prayed a lot and really feel like God wants me to tell you not to be afraid of the unknown, no matter what that may be or where it leads”.  Quite frankly freaking me and my comfort zone, plannerized mind out, I nodded as he then continued to share a poem with me entitled: Open Road: Adventure, with a picture of a mountain on the side.
Now obviously, my Professor had no prior contact with the students in class, and their writing prompts, nor did he know that I had just written in my journal about mountains being my favorite place (for I didn’t even recognize that), seeking a heart of adventure, and learning to obtain a spirit of spontaneity.  However, he did eagerly pray for me, so I knew that when he spoke each of these words, he was genuinely attempting to pour more of Christ and His truth into my life.
Reaching a level of “Amber is now highly freaked out with everything happening and God speaking,” I went to Chapel to relieve my questioning and confused soul only to be met by a friend who had more words for me.  Telling her about all of these weird rema (basically the Christian version of karma) events occurring, her face softened as she said, “Well, I wasn’t going to tell you this ha-ha, but I don’t think God is done speaking to you yet.  When I was praying for you last night, I felt like I should pray that you come to surrender those things that you have sought control over for so long”.  Literally hitting me with like a third and final frying pan of reality, my soul was comforted by God’s ability to use so many different people to speak to me.
Choosing to study various Scriptures that night regarding the fear of the unknown, praying in His word, and talking to a few friends, I began to become very fearful of what God was telling me.  Through Scriptures such as Isaiah 26:3 (“You will keep in perfect peace Him whose mind is steadfast, because He trusts in you”), and Psalm 32:8, I cried and laughed as I realized what God was trying to tell me.  As I prayed in solitude, I noticed a pattern in all of these signs: that I wanted control and I always have.  I’ve never been the type just to let go entirely, and though my life has been surrendered to Christ since I got saved at the age of 8, I realized I needed to align them again. 
That night, I decided to close my time of worship by listening to random worship songs on Spotify, and when the song “In-Control-Acoustic” by Hillsong Worship began to play, I couldn’t help but think of God’s love, laughter, and sense of humor looking down on me.  He was speaking to me in monumental ways; I just had to take the time to really listen.
Awaking Friday morning to the support of my friends and family, I smiled as the Devotional was focused on control/surrender.  Talking to my Dad that night and then doing an in-depth study on verses within that context such as Psalm 46:10, James 4:7, Job 11:3, I wrote a prayer laying it all down (not knowing what all God was asking for) and listened to those around me saying, “I feel like you need to surrender your heart… It sounds to me like God really wants you to give him control…Just trust that while pursuing the act of “letting go” and letting God have control, we as Christians have the privilege and comfort of knowing that our good God has control of the situation …Everyone struggles with wanting control over uncontrollable situations but start in little steps…God doesn’t want perfect results from us, as much as he wants our hearts to be turned towards him.”
That night, and now into Saturday morning, I realize how all of these things interconnect and are just a small portion of my future life that He is revealing to me.  I still am and probably always will want control, after all, I love planning and mapping out my life to the fullest.  However, I have also concluded that by giving God complete control, I surrender and submit all I am to Him, especially within the depths of my heart that will align with His will for my life.
And in a final prayer, this is what my heart now fully knows and rests upon:
“I relinquish every desire I have, even those I most want to cling to and ask that they are surrendered in alignment to your control.  In asking for freedom, take these things of my heart and take control.  Let me see you move in them through me, for it is never my power of spirit, but yours ALONE.  How good it is to serve a God that loves me enough to put up with me but loves me for who I am and where I am at amidst the struggles.  I give you control of my anxiety, depression, fear, wanting to be in a relationship, craving love, finding substantial friendships, my future, my career, my ALL.  As I continue to read and study Scripture and then end in prayer, let me be ever more thankful and in love with you.  For who you are, what you are teaching me, and the JOY NOT Fear in knowing that it is OKAY I AM NOT IN CONTROL because you are and you know exactly when I need what according to your will.
Let the desires of my heart, mind, and emotions be flooded with more of you. Set my sights on you and like the chipping away of that mountain through the mustard seed of faith, chip away at the things that hold me back and replace them with full peace, comfort, adventure, and steadfast love in a heart that is now utterly loved and known and used completely by you.”
I do not know my future, but I know the one who holds it.  Someday I will seek those mountains, and other days I will travel across them to tear them down.  But one thing is for sure: in these moments of uncertainty, covered in the grace and love of things unknown, a known and loving God purses and runs after me, continually transforming me into who, what, when, where, and why I am meant to be them. 
Help me live this out, God. I know someday, you will provide him who will join you and me on this journey of adventure, especially on the highest mountaintops and lowest of valleys.   In clarity, it wasn’t even these messages of “mountains, adventure, control, surrender, and spontaneity” that spoke to me, but the meaning they conveyed in what each one represented to me.  Remember, God, speaks in the hills and valleys of unknown adventure.

Agape, Amber

Trusting Love

On By Amber GinterLeave a comment

Trusting Love

Trust is like the lock of a cage around my heart.  You can rattle it and make it shake to the core.  Battering its fallen and fortified walls, the dark bars reflect its glistening light.  Knocking your knuckles against its sharp edges, the pierce of cold metal ripples through your skin- yet it doesn’t quite hit the nerve. But then, out of nowhere, like a sledgehammer to the ground, you crash into me going a million miles a minute.  I tremble in fear as the expulsion of myself begins to quiver. For now that the door has been ripped open, the lock can never be unseen for what it has become.  Dangling by the thread of a cord, its small frame slowly swings open.
Reaching into the cage that surrounds me, you eagerly search for my hand.  Kids playing hide and seek, yet not wanting to be found, I stumble back into the dark corners where no one can see me.  The real me.  I shrink myself into a shrink a dink size and place my hands over my eyes as if then they can’t see me.  But they come closer; their footprints begin to search the small space in anticipation of my beating heart.  And as my heart beats rapidly inside of my chest, I feel as if I will explode.  That they must hear the throbbing as vividly as it is in my head.
Grasping the edge of my frail and worn toes, they gently extend a hand.  A hand that tries to make me forget all of the shaking they have just done to the cages surrounding me.  A hand that is covered in scars- scars that look really similar to those engulfing my body.  So on a limb, I ever so carefully extend mine and they intertwine like keys in a lock, the lock that has now been broken off my cage completely as we begin to dance.  Clinging to their hands, I am timid at first.  I wonder if they can hear my heartbeat in their fingertips that gently caress my small frame.  Spinning me from one side of the dungeon to the other, I pause.
Ripping my hand from their embrace, I look out through the barriers of this battlefield.  I see into the chaos and the problems that will surely arise; the fear of the unknown and the mysteries that I simply can’t imagine in my mind.  But as my thoughts begin to spiral and I almost hit the floor, I am shocked to find them beside me, gently catching me in their arms.  Turning me to face them and readjusting my hands in theirs, I am pulled close to their heart that trusts me, and let go of everything holding me back from being vulnerable with theirs.
Facing the monstrous walls around us, we begin to make our way in strides.  Hand-in-hand, arm-in-arm, they whisk me away from side to side.  And before my mind begins to wander, before it starts to overthink if this is safe, if this is right, if I can predict the stability of this love, it is as if they hear my mind.  For in the sweetest sound I’ve ever found, I hear, “My darling I’m by your side.  I’ll never leave you, but I’ll always love you and that’s enough to break down all your walls inside.”
And like the flip of a switch, I see the lock fall and I begin to feel something inside, the freeing of a weary spirit letting go and finally choosing to come alive. 

Half Truth

On By Amber GinterLeave a comment


I told you I never lie, but what if I didn’t mean to?

What if I didn’t really intend for my feelings to change?
Then it is really a lie?
 
A piece of half my heart, or perhaps half the truth as wretched as a lie
Heartbeats sway back and forth like a dance in our minds
1,2,3, 1,2,3 our feet flail in anticipation of our anxious lives
 
As I rest my head upon his shoulder, he asks me where I learned to dance
And in reply I simply smile with my eyes to let him know that he’s the one who did.
 
Because for as long as I can remember, I’ve been dancing since I could walk, but no one’s ever danced with me quite like he did.
 
They ask me if I love him and shying off their question with a sincere avoidance of the eyes,
I realize I’d be telling half the truth if I said I didn’t love him, but the whole truth if I said I did.
 
But it’s too late. 
The ship sailed. 
The dancing of our hearts has been broken like two lovers who no longer know how to keep rhythm.
 
For that’s the pain of half truth’s, misfigured in their calculations
Too afraid to speak their minds, yet too afraid to live within them 

Unexpected Packages

On By Amber GinterLeave a comment
 
(Christmas is my favorite time of the year XD)
  You know, with the Christmas season coming about, families cutting down trees, and Hallmark producing the most romantic, sappy, love affairs they can think of, it is no surprise that the month of December is full of emotions. For some of us, these emotions are pure joy and bliss. They embody my dog Buddy with his huge eyes and eager smile to see what’s next in store. With a wagging tail, glorious bark, and friendly charisma, no one could be more excited for Christmas. However, for others, the holidays bring about some different emotions.
  They stir up the pain of loneliness, longing, and nostalgia for the things once had or not yet achieved. And that got me thinking a lot about Jesus’ birth, and how the people expecting him were quite disappointed when a small baby in a manger was born, rather than a powerful King commanding cities and tearing down those in its way. At that moment, I’m sure the people felt a slew of emotions similar to that of our own. They were happy, for a baby was being born, but they were also suddenly stirred and confused, frightened and upset, angry, and misunderstanding. How could this which they were waiting to arrive finally be here, but meet none of their hopeful expectations? Let alone that, how in the world would this small baby go on to save the world and why?
  Baffling our minds and hearts, perhaps we too if alive at the time of His birth would have questioned the same intentions, doubted His presence, and been blinded by the gift wrapped in a different packaging than we wanted. And you know what that’s taught me? That sometimes, the things we long for most arrive in the moments and ways that we least expect it. They show up in the broken hearts, the loss of jobs, the pains of arguments, and the misfortunes of our faulty human lives. And because we expect different, because we long for something more, we get disappointed and often miss out on some of the most beautiful blessings He has in store.
  Yet, don’t we already know that God knows what we need when we need it, more than what we want when we want it? I wrote about it in a blog once, but if we trust that God will provide, doesn’t that mean believing all the details and plans that follow that?
  Learn to see the grace and mercy behind the unexpected gifts you receive this year: The beauty behind the heartbreaks, the lessons behind the waiting, the treasures below the longings, and the love within the package wrapped as a baby boy entitled to save the world. It won’t always look like what you want it to, in fact, it might seem the opposite, but don’t take it for granted. The people of Jesus’ time didn’t honor the treasure they were given until it was too late. They failed to see the beauty of a smelly stable, shredded cloths, and a quiet baby lying in the manger; this season, don’t make the same mistake. The best is yet to come in those unexpected packages.
 

I Don’t Want To Anymore

On By Amber GinterLeave a comment
I don’t want to try to make friends again, only to have them leave me feeling isolated and alone.  I don’t want to keep waiting for the right guy to find me, when all of my friends are getting engaged, other singles are complaining how lonely they feel (because I am too), and my Grandma says for the hundredth time, “when you aren’t looking for it, it will come and hit you over the head until you fall so in love, you don’t even know it’s happening” (no offense Grandma, I still love and value you and your advice).  
I don’t want to keep pouring into other people, thinking maybe this one or that one will finally stay in my life, only to have them turn around, stab me in the back, and criticize the heart of an empath that lives within me, so desperately seeking and searching to love others.  I don’t want to keep doubting God’s beautiful plan for me in life every single time it gets too hard and I walk through the hundredth hill and valley of my destination. 
I don’t want to think I’m not good enough when I look in the mirror even though that’s how I feel because I know that God above sees my worth. I don’t want to have such low self esteem and self worth that I honestly believe no guy has or ever will like and pursue me like Christ pursues the Church because I’m not pretty, athletic, funny, or you fill in the blank enough. I don’t want to think that my worth as a person depends on the contingency of true friends I have, the lack of guys that have had interest in me, or the way I think of myself when I’m alone at night and cry myself to sleep, pressing with everything in me to remind myself of God’s Word that is the truth, and His scriptures that I have just poured into my weary soul. Sometimes, I just don’t want to anymore. 
I don’t want to overthink what people think of me, I want to know that it is only God’s opinion of me that matters. 
I don’t want to be terrified to make new friends that God has placed in my life due to past circumstances, because I truly believe that He places whom I need in my life at the exact moment that I need them. 
I don’t want to be mentally weak from the people who constantly tell me that I’m not good enough and critique who I am, because I’m strong enough to rise against those wars, even the ones that only ever occur between me and the mind inside my overthinking head.
I don’t want to contemplate if God’s love is enough to cover me when I fail Him time and time again, even though I already know in my heart that I’m not that powerful and His grace is a thousand times enough to cover and wash over me.
I don’t want to get to the end of the day and realize all the would haves, should haves, and could have been’s in life, because I will know that I have fulfilled God’s purpose in life for me.
I don’t want to go another day waiting to ask for His advice, when instead of complaining and pouring out my heart to others, I should have been praying on my knees to Him.
I don’t want to judge myself so harshly every.single.day. when I know that I am doing everything in my heart and life to authentically serve a God who recklessly loves me.
I don’t want to start all over again or feel like I have to in life, yet in His whispers He tells me, “but you have to”. 
And not completely over, but in a sense that for those things that He prompts me, I will grow, and learn, and live, and love like He does-endlessly. 
But, these things don’t come easily.
Because if I’m being honest and vulnerable with you all, “I don’t want to anymore” for fear of being rejected, and all exhaustion of any type of emotion that you can possibly feel. And when it all boils down to it, I just want someone to want me like Jesus wants me. I want someone to love me like Jesus loves me. I want someone who chooses to “want to”, even when “they don’t want to anymore” for more times than forgiveness feels like. I want them to press on like I am attempting to, even when everything within me feels broken. 
So even when I don’t want to anymore, I will want them like Jesus wants them, regardless of if they feel like they deserve it, or if they do, because who am I to judge? I will love themlike Jesus regardless of the circumstance, environment, or what they believe because Jesus looked up from a manger and down from the cross with love in His eyes for me- even when what He was going through would be a million times worse than anything I’d ever encounter. 
As I’m waiting, especially and even when I don’t want to, I will anyways. I always will, for the Christ in me is far greater than the emotions that make me feel like I don’t want to presently. Jesus is greater than all of that in you, and He certainly is in me. Today, I will anyways and I hope it encourages you to do the same. 

People-Not Things

On By Amber GinterLeave a comment
(Photo Credit to beautiful friend Rachel who captured this sight at the Zoo Lights). 
The older I get, the more I realize that in life, I want people and not things.
When I was younger, I would start crafting my delicately planned and detailed Christmas list as soon as October. Listing book after movie, followed by Wii games, the latest gadget, and clothes, you’d be surprised how in-depth one could be with there longed for items. Placing a delicate picture beside of each item as well as the price, store, website link, and where to find them, I recall lists way over 10 pages long and more than 100 items.
Now of course, I realized as a child that I would never receive all of these items that my heart so called “desired”, however, it was just really fun for me to make the list and then be completely surprised by what I would receive Christmas morning.
As I began to grow up though, the lists began to shorten, and the items changed. I outgrew the video games and latest technology facades. The desire for movies and books was replaced with the realization that I could simply rent or borrow them and save a whole lot of trees and money. And the list; well, it became smaller and almost nonexistent to the point that two weeks before Christmas, my parents had no idea what to get me because when they asked me what I wanted I would reply, “I don’t want anything for Christmas. I just want to help and serve other people”.
Now long story short, I did eventually squirm out a few things I wouldn’t mind receiving, and on Christmas morning, I was given way more than I ever deserved or asked for, but on the inside, my heart still remained the same: I longed to simply give to others and make them happy, rather than fulfill anything my own selfish desires would long for. And this brought back an old but favorite memory of mine.
From around the ages of 8-15, my Dad and I would go Black Friday shopping the day after Thanksgiving. We would scope out all the ads the night before, load up the truck with a list, snacks, and supplies and barely sleep a wink to get up at 4am and stand in line at Wal-Mart, Kohl’s, Menards (You fill in the blank) for these now newfangled and most desired items wanted by thousands of individuals. Racing through Wal-Mart with a dysfunctional cart, to searching for the last pair of fuzzy socks at Kohl’s, this was a tradition my Dad and I looked forward to every year. But then, he got placed on disability and became very sick so the trips stopped. The old memories resurfaced and the new ones became nothing more than yesterday’s past.
As the years between ages 15-21 began to creep by, year after year I missed this memory. I missed getting up at 3am and not sleeping the night before. I missedracing through the stores looking to find the biggest and best steals of deals that I could find. But in all actuality, it wasn’t those bargains that I missed the most, but the person I spent it with. The laughs we shared as my wide eyes and crazy hair reflected my 24-hour sleep deprivation the next day. The smiles of pictures we took in the miles of lines outside the store parking lots. Everything but the piles of bags in the backseat and all the money we probably blew on needless shenanigans of items and gifts.
Flashback to Thanksgiving 2017, God gave me this realization. That perhaps the older I get, the more I realize that I want peoplein my life and the memories shared with them over any amount of bargain deals, or presents under the tree. That if I could trade in 100 presents for 100 hours of added time to this life I would. And that if I could trade in anything monetary I would receive this year in exchange for relationships built with others I would great-fully do so in a heartbeat. That if I could make this world realize how worthless every temporary pleasure we desire really is and how worthy every person’s life we change/influence/impact/pray for is instead I would act like Santa Claus and grant the wishes that would make them realize this happiness.
Because this year, I’m learning to treat the holidays a lot more like memories to treasure rather than lists and number of items to receive: To focus on the most important person in my life (God), and how this holiday and all holidays are a true reflection of our thanksgiving/adoration/and relationship with Him. More than anything we could ever buy, obtain, or long for, He fulfills the epitome of what our true hearts desires really are.
This year, I’m asking for relationship with others. To build friendships and see people I care about saved.I’m asking for experiences, and memories. Pictures to treasure in my mind and foundations built upon. Peoples live that I can be the hands and feet of Jesus to, and likewise for those people to pour into my life as well. I’m realizing that I want people and not things, and that’s what I know my heart is truly searching for.
Agape,

Amber