As a teen, I often wondered what was acceptable to listen to or permissible to watch. In analyzing these thoughts, however, I quickly became too over corrective. Like the Pharisees, I found myself also lost in rules and not caught up in Jesus. I stumbled into strict and rigid lines rather than the freedom that Christ brings in free will. I became shallow, judgmental, and too easily offended, when in reality, I may have been the one causing the offense. But I’m getting a bit ahead of myself.

When I was around fourteen years old, something in my brain told me to take Philippians 4:8 a little too seriously. Yes, we should 100% obey the Bible and only think about right and wholesome things, but when your decisions are made out of rigidness to the law rather than freedom in the one who fulfilled it, are you really living?

I was the queen of flipping the T.V. off on my parents if they dared to tell me what they were watching was an “R” rated movie. I was the master of listening to Christian music and never allowing any other style to reach my ears, even if it had a wholesome meaning. I was the broken and confused girl who, at eighteen years old, realized she was trying to be her own ruler, rather than allowing the Holy Spirit within her to guide and prompt those convictions. I am now the result of these confinements as I watch my boyfriend struggle to make the same decisions I once wrestled.

In Philippians chapter 4 verse 8, Paul remarks, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things” (Philippians 4:8, ESV). And in a sense, he is warning us to Be Careful Little Eyes What You See…For the Father Up Above Is Looking Down In Love. Yet rather than seeing Him look down in love, we construe that to looking down in disappointment, chaos, and confusion.

More optimistic than being a tyrant and Pharisee of religious talk without the heart and soul of Jesus, follow these five tips the next time you’re trying to decide what type of media you should engage in:

1. Be Careful Little Eyes What You See

• The Bible notes in Matthew 5:29 that if your eye causes you to sin, you should “tear it out and throw it away” (Matthew 5:29, ESV). Though that might sound a bit harsh, Jesus wants us to realize that the eye is the guide of our bodies (Matthew 6:22). It is the driving force of who we are, what we become, and who we grow to be.
• If a movie, book, or choice of entertainment explicitly degrades Jesus Christ and His message, I would suggest you fill your eyes with something else.
• For example, my boyfriend cannot watch Stranger Things because the language used by the characters convict him. When it comes to myself, however, I am not convicted by that. I do agree that the characters shouldn’t use curse words, yet I can enjoy the show and gain positive themes from it that make it permissible for me. As a teacher, my students love this show, and it is a testimony to be able to say, “No, you should not use those words, but yes, look at the way Will’s friends fought for him, or Eleven fought to save them.”
• If we’re able to “be in the world, but not of it” (1 John 2:15, ESV), whatever we see with our eyes will soon internalize itself into what we become. If something isn’t inherently clear as to whether it’s appropriate or not, ask God for clarity. More times than not, your conscience will lead the way to this decision, and if you’re questioning it, there is a reason.
• We know that things like lust, sex, and profanity (Job 31:1) should be avoided like the red plague, but not all shows are cookie-cutter molds with clear cut answers. Personal discretion aligned with Scripture is always advised.

2. Be Careful Little Ears What You Hear

• Similar to what your eyes see, your ears can also contribute to who or whom you listen. If you’re always filling your Spirit with lies and degrading music or voices, the result will be a defeated and defiled being.
• Thus, when it comes to deciding what to listen to, be on guard for what these words say. Personally speaking, I have fallen captive to listening to a song so many times because it was catchy. Low and behold, however, I had no clue what it was saying, which was not good.
• If a song curses every other word and has no value, I would not listen to it. However, if a secular song is just secular, meaning it doesn’t say “I love Jesus” in every line, and its message is appropriate, I don’t see anything wrong with enjoying that song.
• God doesn’t want us to live strict lives full of rules and regulations. He isn’t a dictator just waiting for us to mess up and watch or listen to something we shouldn’t. He’s given us grace and free-will to make these decisions according to His prompting Spirit within us.

3. Be Careful Little Tongue What You Say

• In the world in which we live, it is apparent that words are all around us. Some are good and wholesome, and some are bad and morally degrading. It is inevitable that at some point in your life, you will hear curse worse and profane language, and if you haven’t, you soon will. What is controllable, however, is what comes out of your mouth.
• James 3:6 reminds us that our tongues have such power; power that can start a raging wildfire. It is up to us rather that fire is used for the purifying and cleansing of our souls or a monstrous and wicked consuming flame leading to Hell (Proverbs 18:21).
• If you can watch a secular movie that has the occasional curse word without being tempted to talk that way, then I would say you’re safe to view it. If you’re tempted, though, or find yourself after watching those things more likely to use those I would run like you’re sprinting, far from that destructive fire. Remember, our words reflect our hearts (Matthew 15:18). 

4. Be Careful Little Heart Whom You Trust

• In the end, we should trust in Jesus Christ alone to help us make these decisions (Psalm 62). You can get advice from friends, family members, and society, but only Christ and the Holy Spirit within you can help you to make these decisions correctly.
• In this world, there will be people that do not agree with you. Like the example with my boyfriend, we have chosen to agree to disagree, but that doesn’t make one of us a better Christian than the other.
• Some forms of media are explicitly evil and should be avoided, but the majority try to blend the lines we work so hard to distinguish. Only the Lord knows the heart and motives behind the decisions we make, and that must be the place from which we seek our validation (1 John 3:20). 

5. Be Careful Little Mind What You Think

• Proverbs 23:7 hints that what we think we are. Thus, when it comes to what we watch or listen to, this is crucial because we’re filling our minds with thoughts that will sooner or later circle back around.
• Watching lust, lies, sex scenes, and porn will not produce fruitful thinking.
• Watching bloodbaths, evil, deception, and satanic motifs will not grow your faith.
• But learning to discern whether or not a show or music choice is acceptable will surely develop your Christian growth. And personally speaking, asking the questions I’ve listed here have been beyond beneficial for me. I also love using pluggedin.com that analyzes all the details. 

It’s extreme to say that we should never listen or watch anything secular. After all, I believe that this can be used to testify goodness in a way that the world would not expect. It’s another extreme, however, to say that unless something is marked “Christian” with a label, it’s automatically wrong or that we are permissible to watch anything. Both are unacceptable, and both lead to places we don’t want to be in: Places of tyranny and judgment and places of fake holiness too caught up in standards to realize the grace God has given us.

In 1 Corinthians 6:12 and 10:23, Scripture reminds us that everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. We need to be on guard not only for our hearts, minds, and souls at all times but for those who are around us (1 Timothy 4:12). When making decisions for the media, ask yourself these questions, and talk to God about them. Our goal should never be “What can I get away with,” “Or how much can I blur the lines,” but “How can what I watch, see, hear, do, and engage with, bring glory to Him.”

Our media doesn’t have to be marked “Christian” for it to be good, pleasing, and acceptable to God. In fact, many Pharisees and Saudducees knew the talk or possessed the outward laws of being a Christian, but they didn’t walk the walk, and that’s made all the difference (Matthew Matthew 23). 

It’s all about your conscience and reasoning behind the decisions you’ve made. If you’re listening to music that curses and goes against Scripture, I wouldn’t suggest you listen to it. But if you’re watching a secular movie with your family and the film has a majority of nuggets you can use to speak truths about the Gospel, don’t run to turn the T.V. off on them or reprimand them for watching it. Some people can watch or listen to things that are secular and subtract the bad (or fast forward) and not be sinning, while for others, partaking in these things would lead them into direct sin.

While I cannot tell you what to watch or not watch, I can tell you what God’s Word says about the things we fill our minds with. 

Agape, Amber

Like clamoring music to my deafening ears, I faintly heard the crisp clash of glass breaking against the pavement. Slipping from my fingertips and tumbling to the earth below, the once beautiful glass mug now lay in ruins at my feet. Standing barefoot in the kitchen, I tried to inch myself away from the sink and near the closest counter. Quickly grabbing the broom and dustpan before my parents might see, I was embarrassed at the unplanned disaster. With a lowered head and frown that needed to be turned upside down, I began to sulk in shame for my attempted good deeds.

As with any suitable set of birth-givers, however, mom and dad knew that I needed help. They called me out of my shame, reminding me that everyone makes mistakes. And as silly as this accident of broken glass was, it got me thinking that perhaps there is beauty to be seen in brokenness.  Suppose there is grace, refinement, and elegance to be viewed in the brokenness of breakthroughs. 

Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been dealing with anxiety for far too long. 

Perhaps it’s the fact that I’m tired of beating myself up day after day with self-abusive comments.

Comments that sting, “You’re ugly,” “All they see is your acne,” “Your IBS/PMS define you.”

Sharp words that pierce the skin with, “You’re far too skinny to be worthy of love,” “He will never love you because you’re too much and not enough.” 

Vicious remarks that feel like mortars being thrown at a martyr. Bricks lodged into who we used to be, revealing that maybe we aren’t dying to Christ with these hidden assertions, but dying for selfish gain (that isn’t a gain at all, but wounding and inflicting self-hatred). 

Because at the end of the day, harsh words beating yourself up don’t help anyone. They don’t make Christ happy, nor do they make you more Christ-like than anyone else. In fact, if gone unchecked for too long, they become the breeding ground for self-pity, loathing, selfishness, despair, isolation, and depression, all things the Lord never wants for us. 

If we choose to present our flaws to our Creator, though, He can restore and make us new. His power can transform those thoughts, sins, and brokenness, creating something far more beautiful. Regardless of whether a broken glass is worthy of being ashamed of or not, I hope you understand my point with this.

When we are broken by our sins, struggles, or constant inability to live in perfection, let that serve as a reminder that we are not Christ, but we can strive to be more like Him. Let the actions convict you, pray to the Holy Spirit, and ask Him for help. He can bring you from a fragmented and damaged state to something beautiful through the process of restoration.  But never allow the idol with which you have fallen or the struggle with which you cannot shake become the consumption of your thoughts, words, deeds, and ultimately, your identity. 

Mulling and obsessing over what you did wrong in thought rather than asking for forgiveness and letting it stay with Christ will bring you more harm than good. That is like saying, “Okay, God, here is my brokenness, but I need to feel more guilty so that I won’t do it again.” It doesn’t make sense!

True reconciliation and breakthrough come when we confess our sins and struggles to Him, ask Him to help and fight for us, and leave them in His hands.  It does not look like constantly replaying the event over and over again in your mind so that you can be eaten alive by grief, remorse, and sorrow.  Yes, there is an evident and crucial place and need for repentance, but after you’ve talked to God, He gives you grace, not condemnation. He gives sanctification without demanding perfection. He gives you the freedom to look your struggle square in the eye and say, “You don’t define me,” even when you feel like you’re broken and have lost all control.

For as long as I’ve known what it means to worry, fear, and have anxiety, I have come to a place of acceptance that this side of Heaven, I will always struggle with those things. Some days are better than others, but ceased to exist will be the days that I continue to beat myself up about them. I am continually asking God to help me and free me from these things, but there is a reason for the gnawing pain of my process. 

Undoubtedly, there is beauty in my being made broken, even if it is so the breakthrough of Christ can reside within me. After all, Jesus, the perfect lamb of God, was made broken so that we could be healed.

Undoubtedly, there is beauty in my being made broken, even if it is so the breakthrough of Christ can reside within me.

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Isaiah 53:5 remarks, “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed” (Isaiah 53:5, NIV).

There is no need to shame yourself for your struggles. Jesus already paid the price for you on the cross; He wants you to live in the freedom of His life given for you.

He was beaten so we could be whole.

He was whipped so we could be healed.

He was made broken so that we could experience a breakthrough with Him.

Agape, 

Amber 

If you’ve noticed, I’ve been a bit MIA from my blog for about a month. Partially due to sickness, and partly due to what I like to call a “Silent Killer.” We all have them, but like the past memories of our mind, we try to hide away in conjures, we’d insist they stay under the surface of light than brought to the top. We’d rather sing “this little light of mine; I’m gonna let it hide” than “I’m gonna let it shine.”  

But why, because the past is something that once it happens, it doesn’t just magically disappear like the sundial at the end of the day. And when it comes to personal struggles, Satan is a master at making these killers reappear even after you thought for sure you’d defeated the slimy culprit once and for all.

They have a way of making us feel shameful, embarrassed, and less Christian, because “If I really am a strong Christian, then why can’t I seem to get my issues under control,” mocks an afterthought.

He has a way into deceiving us that if we “think upon that thought a little bit longer,” “run on that treadmill a little bit faster,” “focus on ourselves and our problems, it’ll all get better.” Still, in reality, those ways of thinking leave us more exhausted, overthought, and depressed than before. We think that we will gain control by obsessing over the situation, relationship, family member, job opportunity, exercise regiment, but if our thoughts aren’t rooted in the one who created us, why would we expect to leave from them filled and satisfied?

Why do we allow Satan to trick us into believing we have power over past redemption, present changes, and future awakenings when it is the Lord alone who directs our paths (Proverbs 16:9, Proverbs 20:24)?  

I suppose it is because we are all crippled by an infectious disease called “Silent Killers,” and as the name suggests, it is when we stay silent about these things that the real killing happens. And for me, the past month has been a living nightmare of anxiety, depression, panic attacks, sickness, and losing control. A month where I’ve honestly felt the lowest mentally, physically, socially, and emotionally I’ve ever felt. Though I try to be open about these struggles, I’ve also learned to be a master at deception.

A master at acting like “I’m fine,” while at work and placing a plastered smile on my face.

A master at telling my family, “Nothing is wrong.” when they know I am deeply hurting.

A master at telling my boyfriend, “It’s been a good week.” when I am breaking inside.

A master at allowing the Devil to place constant thoughts in my mind that I know isn’t true. About my worth. About my beauty. About my character. About my salvation. About my past, present, and future.

And before you know it, you’ve given the keys of your heart to the one who never deserved to have them. You’ve allowed the Father of Lies to convince you that your anxiety, depression, IBS, PMS, Endometriosis, acne, sickness, size, define you. But as you begin to sink deeper and deeper into your pit of despair, you cry out to God and ask, “How did I get here?” though you already know. You gave the thief who comes to “kill, steal, and destroy” (John 10:10) the all-access pass to your mind, thoughts, and emotions. You’ve become a victim to a “Silent Killer,” that though the world may not see externally, is eating you alive internally. 

But here’s the good news, friend. I’m not too far gone, even as I lay here on my bed, soaking in the rest of a sick day and a million thoughts of anxiety cross my mind. You’re not too far gone in whatever “killer” you’ve allowed to possess and numb the exhausted body, mind, and spirit within you. She’s not too late from redemption. He’s not out of reach of God’s restorative grace. We’re not beyond the boundaries of the Father’s loving and calling arms asking us to come home and rest in Him. 

In Philippians Chapter 4, beginning at verse 8, Scripture tells us, “Whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things” (Philippians 4:8, NIV).  

So even if my mind is tempted to begin racing like a racetrack on steroids full of anxiety, depression, and fear, I know that unless I give in to those thoughts, Satan has no power over me. Remember, if we render every thought over to Christ, and only think about things that are excellent or praiseworthy, our minds won’t have room for anything else.

2 Corinthians 10:5 demonstrates this point further when Paul remarks, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5, NIV).  Anxious thoughts? Render it to God. Depressed for no reason? Submit it to the one who holds all control. Questions about the future? Rest in knowing He directs your paths. Haunted by your past? Remember the power in that testimony and that you’re chosen and have a confident future.

But what does that “rendering, submitting, and resting,” really mean and look like?

I once heard an age-old saying that whatever you give your mind to will quickly become who you are. For example, if you have random anxious thoughts like me, the more you allow them to run rampant in your mind, the worse you will feel and become. Proverbs 23:7 comments on this when Scripture says, “As someone thinks within himself, so he is” (Proverbs 23:7, NIV).  If, however, we choose in those first few seconds of its entry to dismiss the thought and shake it out of our mind, we will be given power and victory through Jesus Christ over it. 

Because those thoughts of anxiety rippling over your mind again, and again, and still until you have a panic attack, they aren’t from the Father who loves you. Those consuming feelings of dread that if you could just sink to the bottom of the ocean, then you’d feel better, those aren’t what Jesus wants for you. “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7, NIV), and to me, that sounds like comfort, not freak-out sessions. 

John Piper once said you have five seconds to fight a thought or lustful pleasure before it consumes you, and I believe that to be true for these silent killers of life as well. In the first five seconds that your mind begins to wander, don’t give in to the fear, anxiety, or depression, but refute it in Jesus’ Name. Tell it “NO,” and recite Scripture to yourself. Use those moments to pray and give your worries to God.

Does that mean it will be easy? Absolutely not.

Does that mean the thoughts will go away immediately? Definitely not.

But will you grow a little bit stronger every time you fight off the lies with the truth of His Word? 1000% without a shadow of a doubt, yes. 

As Christians, we all have “Silent Killers,” we either like to pretend we don’t have or blab to everyone about how terrible we’re struggling.  But what if instead of giving the rampant thoughts more ammo, we gave the Father more submission in the things we keep trying to cling so tightly?

Just a thought, but what if we took all the time we spent worry, analyzing, dwelling, stressing out, and turned it into praise? What if we looked in the mirror and believed the Holy Spirit when He said, “You are enough,” rather than letting the mastermind of lies tell us otherwise.  

On your own, you cannot and will not overcome these overpowering thoughts. Yet as believers in Jesus Christ, He gives you that power and victory as we imitate the mind of Christ and continually strive to be more like Him.

1 Corinthians 2:16 and 11:1 solidify these facts: “But we have the mind of Christ,” (1 Corinthians 2:16, NIV) and “Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1, NIV). 

When it comes to the end of the day, we all have “Silent Killers,” rather we like to admit it or not. For some of us, they creep up when we try to sleep, and for others, they mock us in the mirror or shout to us as we sob into the walls of our showers. They consume us. They exhaust us. They rob us and leave us of all joy, peace, and love.

Your Heavenly Father doesn’t want that for you, and I know He doesn’t want it for me. It’s time to stand up and fight my dear brothers and sisters in Christ. Time to redeem what is rightfully ours and live like we’re free of all the ghosts and cobwebs of our minds because we are.

Proverbs 12:25 tells us that “Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs it down (depression), but a good word cheers it up,” (Proverbs 12:25, NIV) and what better advice do we see than to press into the Word of our Father when these consuming thoughts try to entangle us like snares!

We all have “Silent Killers,” but it’s time to bring them to the light (God). For when we bring them to the light, He who the son has set free will genuinely be free indeed.

Give God the power over your mind.  After all, you aren’t gaining anything by trying to hold onto suppressing thoughts like you’re the one in control when you know you aren’t.  

Though it won’t be easy, there is a freedom to be found in the release and surrendering of these shadows. 

What “Silent Killers,” do you need to render all control today? Talk with a friend, Pastor, or family member and then pray that God would help you to release them into His hands. For me, I’ve been trying to recite 1 Peter 5:7, Romans 8:28, and Philippians 4:4-8 in my mind any time negative thoughts cross my borders.

The question is not when will these “Silent Killers” come, but how will you fight them.

I’ll be fighting right beside you. Keep trecking, even when the waters get deep and the mud sticks to the back of your legs, attempting to pull you down like quicksand. 

Nothing can separate us from God’s love. Not even “Silent Killers,” we often allow to take over our minds (Romans 8:38-39). 

Agape, Amber

“Heavy Hearts”

As an educator, it could be said that we, as teachers and professors, have one of the most mentally challenging jobs, yet also significantly impactful ones on those that we teach. Day after day, sixth or tenth-grade students just want attention, love, grace, mercy, and compassion from those who are willing to listen. These students, rather you realize it or not, crave our stamp of approval not only on the work they do in class but how they live their lives or inform us about how they probably shouldn’t have eaten 12 fudge bars yesterday (#ohmylanta). Though many will say that students don’t care what you think (and many students themselves will say this too), especially in public schools, deep down, they genuinely do. And all jokes aside, we can tell this by how many times they try to interrupt class with a random question, comment, or snarky remark.

“Ms. Ginter, Can I go to the bathroom?”

“Ms. Ginter, When is your boyfriend going to propose to you?” (#WHAT?!)

“Ms. Ginter, I am getting a pet bird soon. And I wanted to tell you what happened to the kitten we found!”

“Ms. Ginter, Can you check this before I turn it in?”

“Ms. Ginter, What do you know about Ohio State?”

“Ms. Ginter, I spelled Michigan as L-O-S-E-R, do I get an A?” (well-played kiddo, well-played)

Don’t believe me yet? Think about it. When you want to tell your best friend, parent, spouse, family member about the best part of your week, or something that happened, why do you tell them? Probably because they listen, actually care, give good advice, and want the best for you. When you talk, they give you the time of day (I pray) and make you feel loved, meaningful, and valued. Isn’t that too, what these kids want deep down? To feel accepted, treasured, like they have value in this life? Absolutely. And isn’t that what Jesus wants us to run to Him for as well? To seek our validation, worth, and purpose in Him alone rather than all these other Earthly things? Even if it’s merely to tell him how much you love granola? Especially if it’s just those insurmountable affairs of irrelevance to your everyday life. 

This week, in particular, was a rough week at work. And when I say rough, I mean rough as in I had caught sinusitis and had no voice to teach with (#talkaboutaproblemforatalker). However, counting my gains instead of my losses, it was probably one of the most significant weeks to my teaching experience so far. During an exchange with one of my students, he told me that his sister had an unforeseen circumstance occur, and without another thought, I patiently listened to him, expressed concern, and told him to keep me posted as I would be praying. Later that evening, I received an email from that students’ parents thanking me for caring about their family and taking the time to have the heart of Jesus towards every student that shares their “heavy heart.”

Sitting for a full five minutes in utter disbelief of the “thank you,” I couldn’t help but smile towards Heaven and know in my heart that though I long to write full-time, this is why I am presently here. That if even for a second, minute, day, week, month, year, I can make someone feel important, not alone, valued, loved, and worth something to Christ, then it was worth it. As the Scriptures say in Philippians 3:8-10, “Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,” (Philippians 3:8-10, ESV).

And you know what? Maybe that was listening to him or the girl the week before about how she ate too many desserts — or commenting on how I overeat granola (probably accurate ;)). Maybe it was taking the few extra minutes at the start of class to pray for them and ask them how they are doing? Perhaps it was not stressing out when they wasted five minutes of class asking me random questions about my food allergies and hatred towards candy bars (#truestory). But you know, if I showed them Jesus in those moments, truly listened, and loved, then I gave them something I can never get back (time), and that is what I believe Christ calls all of us to do wherever we are.

Whether you are an attorney, teacher, preacher, writer, counselor, mechanic, you name it, Jesus Christ will use you to change lives with the ability to hold, account, and pray for those “heavy hearts.” He will strengthen you when you are weak and pour truths into you when you are down. He alone will encourage you when you are suffering, but push you to press on (like when the same kid asks you 22 times if they can go to the bathroom and you still say no). He will cover you in His constant grace, forgiveness, mercy, and love so that you have enough to receive it, but also allow it to overflow into the lives of those you touch daily.

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Speaking of touching lives, isn’t it funny when God restores your once fragmented and broken-heart by revealing a revelation of His work in you? One that you don’t notice its overwhelming impact until it rests upon you?   

Coining the term “heavy hearts,” I find it less than a mere coincidence that the boy who told me this about his sister’s circumstance is a brother-in-law to the guy I had a massive crush on in High School and never thought I’d get over. At one time, that guy broke my heart so badly that I never thought I’d be able to laugh, smile, let alone, love, ever again (#someofmyfirstpostsever). Yet in some shade of healing, grace, and growth, here I am now over five years later, head over heels in “like” with my boyfriend (we haven’t said “I Love You” yet), who doesn’t pale in comparison to this old love, but undoubtedly surpasses it in colors more vibrant than the rainbow. 

That somehow, someway, God was able to take that which was broken in me and replace it with love so much deeper than I ever knew existed- not just for my boyfriend, but God, Himself, alone. And for one of the first moments in my life, when that little boy mentioned his brother-in-law’s loss, I hurt for Him. I felt discomfort for a guy I once associated with a broken heart, who had now just experienced the grief of his own far more significant than I could ever fathom. For as I prayed for him and his wife, I began to realize that maybe heartbreaks aren’t all that terrible.  

Do they hurt? Absolutely. Do I wish they didn’t exist? Without doubt. But do they push us to love again? More profound, fuller, and more abundant in Christ than we ever knew existed in our once fragile state of shattered mentality.

So are “heavy hearts” heavy? As heavy as a cement block sinking you deeper into the ocean where no light seems to breakthrough. And will the pain feel like you’re dying? Surely, as it will hurt more than anything you’ve ever known. 

But are they worth it? Thousand times over to know that in your compassion, heartbreak, and sorrow, you’ve not only shown the love of Christ to someone, but made them feel important, cherished, valued, loved, and of worth–even for just that second.

To have a “heavy heart” is part of counting it all as loss for the gain of Christ. Because in giving His life for ours, isn’t that was Jesus did for us hanging from the cross?

“Father, forgive them,” He cried out in torment. “For they know not what they are doing” (Luke 23:34, NIV). 

But Jesus? He knew what He was doing for us as He breathed His last breath. He knew what heartbreak felt like, dying on a cross, taking our pain upon His shoulders, asking His Father why it had to be this way. Jesus knew that to “Live is Christ, and to die is gain,” holding every incident of each “heavy heart” and sorrow we have, had, or will ever endure (Philippians 1:21, NIV).

A “heavy heart,” my friends, is perhaps worth it all in the end. 

Agape, Amber

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:25-34, NIV). 

 For the past seven months, I have spent approximately 213 days, 5110 hours, 306,600 minutes, and 18,410,000 seconds in critical pain that has controlled my life for much too long. After graduating from college in May, I was disturbed when ten job interviews and countless applications later, I began to experience severe health conditions that left me feeling just shy of paralyzation. But this was the time of my life, right? I was not supposed to be feeling this way fresh out of college when for the first time in five years, I was allowed to breathe, move forward, adult. Yet in my slew of anxiety, panic attacks, and restlessness, here I was.

 Day after day, what started as simple constipation quickly grew into a daily, agonizing pain in which I could barely function. Between the stress of trying to figure out what I was to do with my life, maintain a relationship, make money over the summer, and figure out this adulting lifestyle, my mental, physical, social, emotional, and spiritual life began to suffer…BIG TIME.  

 After about a month of initial pain, I sought help from my Doctor, who gave me some things to try. Still, it was not until two months further that I was finally seen by a gastrointestinal specialist who would schedule me for a colonoscopy that also wouldn’t take place until three months later. So I waited, and waited, and waited some more to the point where I honestly thought I was going to die of stomach pain.  

 I researched diagnoses, medical conditions, cures, and helpful foods to eat or avoid. I analyzed exercise techniques, yoga remedies, and posture positions. I even reached out to health coaches and sought advice from people I trusted (many who just told me it was in my head), all of which landed myself in the ER three times after not being able to go for over two weeks. Being in such intense suffering, it was apparent that there was nothing I could do until I figured out what was wrong with me. Yet my mind didn’t agree with this concept. Thus, I began to realize how worried and troubled my spirit had become.

 Because for the past seven months, every single day was a constant battle in my mind to fight the pain. I would wake up starving and then cry because I wanted to eat, but every single thing I did would cause me immediate pain. Even with the medications, I was put on, nothing was working, and I began to lose hope. I began to listen to the lies of people who said I “Didn’t want to get well,” “Was anorexic,” “Lucky that I was thin and couldn’t gain weight,” “Didn’t have it worse,” “Wasn’t sick and just making it up in my mind,” “Just needed to pray and trust God more,” and to be honest, that hurt. It hurt to have people I knew and trusted say such things to me that tore me down instead of encouraging me in my anguish. 

 However, going to the Lord in prayer about these concerns as I had time after time, I began to realize that just as much as others weren’t giving me the advice and support I needed, I wasn’t entirely leaving these things in Christ’s hands as His Word commands us.

 And I wept.  I wept because for the first time in my life, when I read Matthew 6:25-34 like I had as a little girl, I heard, “Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink…” and fell to my knees in repentance. For although I’d given God my worries, anxieties, depression, and fears about relationships, family, school, grades, perfection, OCD, etc., I’d never stopped to think about giving Him complete control of the food I put into my body.  A simple concept, but yet it was something I had failed to realize. 

 Scripture even tells us in Matthew 4:4, that, “Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God,” and that became my anthem (Matthew 4:4, CSB). So, every morning, before I would try to eat, I began to pray and declare that word over me. That God was going to be in control, and I trusted Him to heal me from the inside out.  And didn’t I feel better immediately?  No.  In fact, for some time, my pain got worse the closer I got to my colonoscopy date, but I pressed on because I believed (and still believe) in the God of miracles. 

 Now into November, it has been almost a month since my procedure took place, and I was given a diagnosis that my condition was not in my head, but an actual defect with my internal organs. Fifty-plus hours later, without food, I was officially identified with IBS-C, a possible condition of endometriosis, and a tortured colon (my small intestine was so closed off that the Doctor could not even get the scope in it to see anything further). Primarily caused by one of my biggest enemies, internal genetic anxiety had taken its reign. As the Doctor then continued to explain my results, I couldn’t help but laugh to myself that of all things, my pain and suffering were due to something I have struggled with my entire life, along with stress and an inability to maintain that stress healthily.

 Two weeks after the procedure, I continued to pray (and still pray) for God to heal this condition with an unknown cure. Though I was still in pain, I hoped to see the light at the end of the tunnel, for “Even when I can’t see it you’re working” (Waymaker; Michael W. Smith). Nearing the end of my week, I then attended a worship night where a group of people prayed over me, and I got to hear the story of a girl with a very similar condition to myself. On top of all that, you would never believe it, but the theme for that night was peace and healing from anxiety and worry.

 Since those dates, it is presently November 11th, 2019, and while I’d like to say that I am no longer in pain, and God has healed me 100% of my condition, that wouldn’t be the truth. But am I worried about what I can and cannot eat, or what people think about my health every single second of every day? Not as much. And though I still struggle to give God all of this issue, it is a process that I am working to get better at daily.

 As the days go on, I realize more and more that in due time, God will heal me. I believe that as those at the worship night prayed over me, “God loves you,” “He isn’t punishing you,” “You aren’t to learn something from this suffering,” “You haven’t done anything wrong to deserve this,” “He’s fighting for you, but we live in a sinful and fallen world.” As opposed to the defeating lies and discouraging remarks that so many poured into my mind, thinking they were helping me. I recognize that this fight is not my own, but one of the powers of the dark world (Ephesians 6:12, NIV). I surrender that though the struggle is very much real, God will continue to fight for me, and He calls me to be still (Exodus 14:14, NIV). I remember that He is a good God of true promises and always keeps His word. And I mourn over the fact that Jesus chose to suffer for me, so I can rest assured He would never want me to bear that same anguish, for He does not delight in my suffering. 

 In the book of John, chapter 9, verse 3, there is a man that was born blind, whom the people question Jesus for who’s sins he is suffering. Yet when Jesus remarks, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him,” they almost shudder at His boldness (John 9:3, NIV). Similarly, Elizabeth and Zechariah, one of the Godliest couples in Scripture who couldn’t have children, realize that this misfortune took place so that their son John (The Baptist), would go on to lead the way for this same Jesus. Account after account, many stories in the Bible tell of those who suffered and went through things, but they always came out stronger in faith on the other side. So although no, I don’t believe that I am to “learn a lesson” from my pain, I do proclaim that Christ will draw me closer to Him and more rooted in faith through the process.

 I can hear the Father whisper, “Don’t cha worry, Don’t cha worry, child,” for He sees and knows my tears.  

 He has felt my pain; He has held my hands. 

 He has comforted my soul and fought against those lies.

 So yes, my pain still exists.  

 It’s still real.  

 It’s a struggle every single day.  

 But you know what? So is my God who fights for me as those seconds on the clock turn into minutes, hours, and days and He won’t stop now. He’s more significant than my pain because my life is of more value to Him than the food and drink I have given too much power, time, and thought. 

What are you battling today, friend? Be encouraged; He’s fighting for you.

Agape, Amber